A Break in the Clouds

Just to give a little update, I'm still off my meds. The pill they gave me Monday was so that they could SEE any leftover thyroid cells on my scan. I will recieve my actual medication this Friday, quarantine myself for two days (can't share a bed, can't use the same restroom as anyone, have to be several feet away from people), and by Wednesday of next week, I should be back up on my meds. It was pretty frustrating, but I've dealt with it and just looking forward to being done with this whole big adventure! On that note...




I had a great day today! These last few weeks have been very hard and needless to say I haven't been in the best mood. Especially given the horrible blizzardy, windy weather that's accompanied my situation, I literally feel like there has been an Eeyore style cloud hanging over my head. But for some reason today was different. I didn't really feel different physically, but I just felt happier, and feeling happier brought me a little hope!

I was really excited because the last few days I got two deliveries of some Lia Sophia jewelry (obsessed much) that I had ordered quite a few weeks ago, which was a real mood booster. And today I decided to dress accordingly so that I could actually wear some of that jewelry. It just felt pretty, and I was happy to flaunt some new accessories. Then while struggling to document, one of my completely goofy co-workers sat down and started to interact with me and my co-workers. In the midst of his tactics, he began on this rant of "I can't believes". "I can't believe this stain on my shirt, I can't believe she said that, I can't believe I shot a guy last night." I know, probably doesn't sound that funny, but I LAUGHED and LAUGHED and I can't even tell you how GOOD it felt to just laugh, and smile. I was even giggling during my full body scan, and I'm sure the lady working the machine thought I was crazy, and I didn't care. It just felt so good to be happy after so many weeks of being so glum.

Anyway, it probably seems like a small thing, but it's amazing how healing and soothing humor and happiness can be. Even just feeling pretty for a day in some new jewelry got some of those healing endorphines going, and it just felt so therapeutic.

Believe it or not there have been things going on in our lives besides my stupid thyroid stuff. I just haven't gotten the pics on the computer yet. This weekend I'll work on getting that stuff up so you can have something a little more interesting to read and look at then all of my boring health issues!

Nyr Lif

My brother has been in a band for a while now, and I'm very ashamed as his older sister to say that I have never seen them live. However, the overall consensus is that they are very good. You can find them on purevolume.com/nyrlif. You can also find them on myspace.com/leafintherain. They describe themselves as indie/ambient style music. I've really enjoyed listening to a lot of their stuff. Plus, they have Jayda on the cover on their CD, who would have thought her throwing a fit would pay off!

"We're Not Going to Take It..."

If I were to have written this yesterday, you would have gotten a much more positive post. I felt a lot better yesterday, and my spirits were up. My day began with a great phone call from my brother announcing the birth of his new son Haven Dee Johnson. He was born at 8 lbs, and the ounces escape my mind. Deanna is doing great and goes down in the rockstar hall of fame for doing everything all-natural and then acting like she'd just gone on an afternoon stroll rather then labor all night long. He's a beautiful little baby and it's been amazing to watch my brother and his wife experience parenthood for the first time. I also would have told you I was having a great day because the bloodwork came back with my TSH levels above 50, HALLELUIAH! Thus giving me and end in the sight to this previously endless nightmare. On Monday I will take my radioactive pill and on Wednesday I will get my full body scan, at which point they will tell me if I can start taking my meds again (PLEASE OH PLEASE).

But, it's no longer yesterday, it's today, and it's been a bad day. It's actually been a bad week and I've had it! I was watching Vh1's 100 best songs of the 80's, adn Twisted Sister's "We're Not Going to Take It" came on. That's my theme song right now. I went to work this morning, sat down in my chair and knew immediately that I had made a mistake even thinking that I was suited to be there that day. I can't even describe to you the alien sense of fatigue and lethargia that comes without a thyroid. It's like that feeling you have right after you have a surgery, when they wake you up, and despite all your best efforts, you can't stay awake. You're body can't move and you can barely focus your eyes for a minute. It's like that, only not QUITE so extreme. You can move, you can communicate, you can function, but very poorly, and slowly. So when my kids at work arrived and immediately started to tear my room apart at full volume (like they do every morning), it took everything I had not to vomit, or start crying, or both simultaneously. Not to mention the stupid cold that I'm battling. But I'm tough dammit, I don't quit, I'm not giving up...

Boss: "Teresa, can I get you anything?"

Teresa: (Quivering chin, squeaky voice, everyone watching) "Can I go home please?"

I'm pathetic. But I knew I needed to go because for the first time, of all the times I've called in sick, I didn't have that small pain of guilt, thinking that maybe I was just being a pansy and that I really could be working. I knew that I had no business being there. I went straight to my mom's house without calling Glenn, found the first unoccupied bed, (because crawling into an occupied one at my parent's house would be awkward), and slept, deeply, without even realizing I was sleeping. It was completely dreamless, painless, unconsequential sleep. You know that feeling you get after you've had a gluttony nap, where you know you completely overdid it? That achy, grouchy, groggy, I'm not going to have a normal sleeping pattern again feeling? I didn't have that one bit. I slept from 11 to 4, went home, sat on the couch to watch Arrested Development, and now it's 8:30 and I can't wait to go to bed.

I HATE not having a thyroid. I HATE radioactive iodine treatment, and the next person that tells me how easy and simple and wonderful it is, is getting punched in the face. Taking a pill is easy, having your internal motor turned off for three weeks is not. Crying hysterically because the lab didn't have your order and you have to go back after work is not normal, nor is it fun. Feeling like you're moving in slow motion while the world around you is moving on super orbit speed, is so overwhelming. Trying to type all of these descriptions is redundant and making me really tired, so I'm going to bed.

See you on Wednesday.

To My Knight in Shining Armor

These last few weeks have been really tough for all of us. Between our work schedules, trying to get our house on the market and my health issues, we've been feeling a lot of pressure...actually, Glenn has been feeling a lot of pressure. But I have to say that I honestly don't know another person that works as hard, with so much integrity, without complaining, as much as Glenn. He is by far, the absolute back bone and foundation of our family, and without him we would be so lost. Let me tell you all of the reasons that Glenn is my hero.

1. He's freaking hot and can light my fire any day of the week!

2. He's kind, soft spoken and gentle, but still knows how to laugh and have fun.

3. Not a day goes by that he doesn't in some way make me feel attractive, wanted and loved.

4. He has the unique role of being a stay-at-home dad and he totally ROCKS IT!! He is such a good dad and does so much for our kids every day. He has the talent of taking excellent care of them, while fulfilling other obligations around the house and around town. He has made some pretty big shoes for me to fill when we move.

5. He's very talented and I'm always amazed at how effortless he makes things seem. He can do something that he's never done before and make it seem like he's a complete pro at it.

6. He is very willing to serve others and doesn't hesitate to jump up the second he recognizes a need. He works until the job is done and doesn't ever complain.

7. Glenn is a very spiritual person and adheres strongly to the religion that he has been taught. He carries that spirit with him always, and it is what sets the mood in our house. Glenn has kept himself worthy to hold the priesthold and does so with conviction. Glenn's presence is very soothing, and others feel good to be around him (plus he's hot, did I mention that?)

8. He's my best friend in the whole world and treats me like a queen. I know that I can always go to him when I need to laugh, cry, talk, sit in silence, or just shoot the breeze with someone. We communicate so well and have such similar aspirations for our future. Glenn is an amazing example to me, and I just hope that living with him and sharing our lives together will help me to be more like him.

I LOVE YOU GLENN!!!

Damn and Hell are Not Okay

My husband and I have decided that regardless of what we like to think Jayda hears and does not hear, she is much more of a sponge then we ever gave her credit for. We realized that the hard way when she walked into the living room, slammed something on the couch and cried out, DAMMIT! Immediate finger pointing, at me, being the one to suffer from a little more of a language problem then Glenn (notice the word "suffer" I'm the victim here!). However, my moral code has restricted me from ever using any sort of foul language around children. I know, polish up that halo for me! After sorting through all the places, people and environments she is around, we summed up that it had to be from television. Even the most seemingly wholesome shows have some language, and when you hear the word dammit, a common expression, it's hard to even give notice.

So we passed a new law, any media shown in the house while the children are awake, has to be completely sensored and approved by the DHNO (damn and hell are not okay). This organization is a strict one and has gone as far as to stomp out some of Jayda's favorites, such as Hairspray and Vh1 Top Twenty Countdown. We are now limited to mostly cartoons, food network, home shopping, and from what it looks like, High School Musical (I'm cool with it, Glenn's not).

I'll be honest with you, I motioned to veto several times. I HATE cartoons and I really hate cheesy kid shows with creepy puppets and wide eyed, big screen rejects. BUT, I really hate hearing my two-year-old swear 100x's more. Ultimately, what I'm hoping for is for, is to see the TV turned off more all together, and to spend more time as a family. It's time to start engaging ourselves in more active, wholesome things, that don't require sitting in the same position for hours, drooling on ourselves. This experience has made us both very aware at how much we really rely on the TV. We've even gone as far as to debate whether we should sit at the table for dinner, or prop a towel under Jayda's plate on her lap, one the couch, so's to not interrupt the show that we're most likely not enjoying all that much anyway.

TV can serve so many purposes, it can curb boredom, offer information, help to unwind, provide good entertainment, and create background noise because you have ADD so badly that too much silence will make you start to twitch. But, I've really started to see that the television can start to become a replacement for many experiences that you could have had, but didn't take, because you didn't want to miss What Not to Wear (I really don't watch that show by the way, I don't have the metabolism for how mean they are!)

So in the long run, maybe having my daughter drop the D-bomb is what will essentially bring us closer as a family. And also, Jayda and I will be able to bond, as we turn to each other for support and inspiration to break that nasty cussing habit!

BETRAYAL!

Okay, maybe I'm being a little dramatic, but we have sort of a running joke about "betrayal" at work that I'm sure my co-workers can appreciate.

Anyway, to tone down the very title of this blog, I'll use the words "misunderstanding" or "not-enough-information" or "slight minimization on the part of the doctors, nurses etc about my radioactive iodine treatment." But let's not get too wordy now! This was my initial understanding of what this whole ordeal was going to entail:

1. No thyroid pills for about 5-7 days (which at the time seemed like an eternity). Get really tired, lethargic, moody etc.

2. Get my blood tested to find if there is enough TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) in my blood.

3. (2-3 days later), get a scan for any remaining thyroid cells, take my radioactive pill, be on a date with my husband that Friday! Easy right?

So after getting my blood drawn and feeling the weight of the world because I've been denied thyroid hormones for SO long...the nurse informs me that my levels aren't where they need to be and that I was to have my blood drawn every Monday until they were at the right level. Until then, I could not take my thyroid meds.

Okay, what's the right level? 50.

And what level was my blood? 2.6

WHAT?!?! So, as it turns out, this process to take weeks, maybe even months. I don't know, I've never done this before! But it does explain why I haven't been feeling as awful as everyone says I should, I just thought that I was super tough and immune to affliction :-)

Anyway, my brother hates it when I say this, but, it is what it is! And for now I just take it one day at a time. I'm so new at this and I have no clue what to expect or what's coming. I've had a few rough days, but I've also had days where I have more energy then I know what to do with. Today...I'm really tired, and as weird as it sounds, I'm actually really glad. The worse I feel, hopefully the closer I am to get this inconvenience over with. I've been feeling a lot like people have to pick up my slack and continue to cover for me while I lay around because I am so exhausted. I'm used to things being fast paced and a little chaotic, and I like it like that!

In the long run I've realized that i have so much to be grateful for in this situation. I know that the reason doctors look at this as such an easy procedure is because they have seen the real deal and what radiation can REALLY do to a person. I know people that have suffered and ARE suffering the affects of radiation treatment, the nausea, weight loss, and all of the horrible things that comes with treating aggressive cancers. I'm very fortunate, because this is nothing. I hope that I never take that for granted and get through this with all the gratitude I have to offer, because this will be over soon and I will get tell people that I survived cancer...again!

I've been tagged!

From Amber!

These are all of my favorites:
book: Anything that keeps me preoccupied from reality (general I know, but it's the truth! Plus, I already told you what I'm reading).

movie: Garden State, What's Eating Gilbert Grape, Braveheart, I could watch those movies forever and never get tired of them.

color: totally depends on my mood and how they inspire me.
TV Show: Scrubs, Greys Anatomy, Chuck, you know, all the shows that we don't get to watch because of that stupid strike!

guilty pleasure: PerezHilton.com, don't judge!

outfit: jeans and a hooded sweatshirt, something i rarely get to wear

body part: I've been told that I have pretty eyes, and I've really learned to own how short I am, does that count?

kitchen tip: if you don't have much in your pantry to make a meal, make chili. You can honestly put just about anything in it and if you're able to balance it right, it will be so good and comforting. That's what I did tonight.

life lesson: I've really learned not to judge, not to gossip and not to spread rumors. It's just cruel and I know that I sure don't need someone judging me! We're all just down here trying to make best with what we have.

activity: our activities have definitely simplified. I do love to go to IF with Glenn when I can. but when we have the kids, sometimes a trip to the mall to play in the playland is good enough for me!

food: I love it all, I love to cook it, bake it, eat it, read about it, watch someone else cook it, and shop for it. Food is an ever growing passion for me!

child raising tip: (Learned by experience). Stop cleaning your house and hang out with your kids, the house will never be clean, and you're kids won't be young for long, enjoy their sweetness while it lasts!

game: Phase 10, pit, in all honesty, I'm not much of a game player, i'd rather have a conversation, or go out or something.

tattoo (imagined or real): Honestly, the only thing I can think of to tatoo on myself that I wouldn't end up completely regretting would be my kids
names: Jayda Nicole and Skyler Glenn. I do love tattoos though, LA Ink is another show I really enjoy.

element: Hmmm, I guess it would be earth since it's where all the action is. thats one that i just don't think about too often I guess!

Thanks Amber! I don't have too many friends that blog, so I guess for now I'll just tag Kristine! Go for it sister!